Confession

I'm such an idiot...
What was I thinking....
I promised....
He promised....
I cant....Why did I let it get as far as it did?
I'm such an idiot....
We can't.....we promised....I should've just left...
I should've stopped it...
I just wanted to be outside.... and with him...
Why does it always end in that????
Not seeing him hurts so much......
But having this happen every time hurts even more...
We can't keep doing this....
How....how can we stop....
It was only 10 minutes....
and that was all it took...
I'm so stupid...
Do I need to just stop seeing him completely???
Limit it to hi, how are you? okay bye?
Since it seems to go to far whenever it's more than that...
What's the point of even dating then?
Do I need to break up with him??? Is that what it's going to come down too?
I dont want it too...
I dont...
He wont come back if I do...
I dont...
I can't let this keep happening....I just keep breaking promises to myself...
This has to stop...
I know he cares about me.... I've seen it...I know he does...
It's just....everytime....everytime.....
He doesn't just want me..... He wouldn't....he wouldn't act like he cares otherwise....right?
If that was the case he would be alot more obvious right?
isn't it obvious enough already....?
I don't know what to do...
I feel so confused....I know what I should do.....But I don't want to do it....
I really don't want to do it.....
But what else can I do...?
Talking....promises......they mean nothing for this....

.....help....

Nervousness D=

I am going to explode.

It about to start thundering and lightning

And I have Driver Training

T________T

Maybe they'll cancel it =D

i doubt it T____T

PANIIIICCCCC

~River

Dont Think Twice, Before You Listen To Your Heart

So....I'm currently going out with this guy.....named Fang....

I've liked him since...well....basically ever since i've know him...so for a good.....two ish years....before I told him that I liked him....and things worked out and he liked me too :)

So we've been dating for....a year and a half now. We had a really rocky stage a while back, but I think that's finally over! Thank the stars. Anyways, we only have the rest of this year, and next year to be together, because after that we'll be full fledged warriors.

And he's planning on joining the Navy...

I dunno....I mean...I am happy for him, really! I think it's great that he wants to serve our country! My parents would love it too, if I told them. I guess part of me is still in denial that it's probably going to happen. No shame in saying it, I do love him.

I'm just being selfish...he'll be fine.... I just have to keep telling myself that. We still have a year and a half together... I just keep having these dreams. It's the last day of Camp, and we're talking about all these amazing plans for summer. And then as soon as I ask him " So it's a promise then? =D" He looks at me and then says "I have to go." and fades away. Just like that. He's gone. I never am able to get there fast enough to grab him, and he can't hear me yelling....he just looks off into the distance and dissolves.

If this was a one time thing, I could handle it. But it's not. I'm having this dream at least once a week. I guess I should just stop worrying about it... It is his life, I don't want to hold him back. I really don't. I'll just... miss him...

What happens if I meet someone else? Or he meets someone else? Fang's the first guy i've ever loved.... and as of right now, I cant even imagine feeling like this towards anyone else... So how could I be fair to that someone else? What if I wait the whole time, and he comes back with someone? Will I have just wasted 4-6 years of my life? What if he waits for me....but I don't wait for him....?

I wish I had answers to these questions... We have talked about it a little bit. I'm just afraid that if I really tell him how much I'm worrying about this, he'll back out... And I don't want to cause that.

I wish I could talk to him now... I dunno... We got carried away( not that far away -_-) a few days ago, and we kinda agreed to stop spending any time alone together and ever since... we've been really distant. It probably doesn't look like it on the outside. But I just don't feel the same.... connection...closeness as I did. It all seems fake to me right now... I've tried to get closer... but no luck... He doesn't want to talk to me...

Maybe i'll just wait...ride it out... I don't want things to stay like this though...

I hope he doesn't either...

Well this sure got a load of swirling thoughts off my mind. Which I really needed.

Stars Watch Over You

~ River

Points and Purposes

I should probably start to outline what I want to use this Blog for...

• I can't seem to write in my journal anymore
• I dunno...I guess part of me hopes that I'll actually have people who follow me and kinda care about what's going on.
• I want to try and see if I am capable of awesome thoughts.
• Part of me is just bored and wants something new to do
• People I know don't know that I'm doing this...so I don't have to censor anything
• Thinking about starting some short stories.
• Thinking about Thinking
• Ever since we got blogs at Camp i've been dying to get one for my own usage.
• Maybe i'll make some new friends
• Escape writing
• Curious as to whether or not I can keep this up
• Rant space
• Rave space
• Art gallery?

Heh...not a bad list no? Someday when I get people who follow me, i'm going to have even more of a reason to write! I can't wait :) Until then.... I shall follow this post with a rant.

Stars watch Over You

~River

Feb 25th

Hello again :)

Well Thursday's over, it went really well too!

I started off really depressed today, for no real reason...well

I guess there is a reason.... not going to talk about it now tho..

Other than that...not much happened today...

TTFN

~ Riverpaw

First Postling

Well here we are I guess...

I gots me a blog now :)

I'm hoping to mostly use this as a journal....since i cant seem to write any more....

Hopefully i'll be using this lots :)

I wont use real names tho....i dont want to get anyone in trouble...

Well goodnight for now :)

~ Riverpaw