Unhappiness

You know what I hate?

People who yell at you for no reason

People who cant get it through their THICK SKULLS that people sometimes make mistakes.

People who waste oxygen and brain cells screaming their heads off over something that doesnt FREAKING MATTER.

I'm sick of it.

One more year

And then i can just get away from him.

Go to college.

It's not worth it anymore

Im done dealing with his problems

SICK OF IT

IM DONE BEING YELLED AT FOR EVERY STUPID THING

IM DONE WITH IT ALL

Im not crying over this any more

It's is own fault I have no respect for him anymore

He did it

He recked our relationship

You're not my hero anymore

I dont want to be anything like you

NOTHING

So just leave me alone.

Im not saying I dont care about you.

I'm saying i'm tired of dealing with being treated like i'm inferior to you

I'm not

I am just as good as you

Your idea of winning an arguement is who can shout the loudest

You think your way is the only way

You wont even listen to my ideas

As soon as I say something you scream it down

YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A GOOD EXPLANATION

You just drown my voice out with your shouting

Well FINE

HAVE IT YOUR WAY

I'll just stop telling you what I think

I'm still going to disagree with you

Just leave me alone.

~River

Rant on Men

They are JERKS!

Completely....

Insensitive JERKS

-stomps-

Honestly.

After finishing Fang (the book, not the guy) I realized there was a reason I stuck with fictional guys for so long.

I'm a total sucker for the strong, dark, silent type in books.

But in real life, I bet it would honestly annoy the crap out of me.

Unless I had lived with him since like, we were little and I was totally used to it.

Seriously though....

Reading Fang (again the book)

It made me realize that I need a guy who can be sensitive when it counts.

It also made me realize that I am a whole heck of a lot like Max. Especially when it comes to Max's feelings for Fang (We're talking on both levels here now. Both me and Max and Fang and - oh never mind)

Really though...

I've had a really tough last couple of weeks, what with my Dad in the hospital AGAIN (he's home now tho :))>

But I find it depressing that I got more comfort from Red and Gray than from Fang (my Fang, not the book Fang)

And when I had my uber breakdown, he didnt even come after me....

Come on....

Sometimes I'll run away just to see if you'll chase after me...

Truth is it really hurt that you didnt call me...couldn't you tell that I was lying?

When those txts didnt go through and I thought you were ignoring me. I felt my heart break (cheesy hush). Like literally. I felt it shatter. Do you have any idea how much that hurt? I know it wasnt intentional...the txts didn't go through. But why hadn't you called me before?

*sigh*

Ever since then it hasn't felt the same...

You wont talk to me..... I wont talk to you...

I feel like you don't care.....

Like i'm just fading into the background again.

It's back to Gray and that pack of Falsefaces

*sigh*

Why cant it go back?

Fly On

~River

Much thanks

I am so extremely tired.

But Last night was absolutely amazing!!!

I love you guys so much :)

My friends all threw a surprise party for my birthday at Red's and Crow's house :)

Everyone was there ^^

Fire, Fang, Red, Crow, Feather, Sand, Wind, and Fang's friend Gray was there too :)

It was so awesommeeeee

Thank you guys so much for all those presents :)

Loves

~River

P.S. I'm so tired.

P.S.S. I'm going to be making my own cook book

Last Night

Well

This is it.

My last day.....

Last 12 hours at the moment actually..

-cant believe it-

Well it's back to being old again :)

I'm really really really hoping i get Robin Hood!!!!!

RAWR

XD

I cant wait till tomorrow!!!!!

Like SERIOUSLY

Im so excited

~River

Well I turn another year older in a few days...

So much has happened D=

My mom sprained her ankle...

I nearly got in an accident....

That was really scary...

REALLY SCARY

-sigh-

I'm putting off my history essay...

I don't want to have to write it on my Birthday....so I really should get it done...

Blah

Have I mentioned that I love Fang? :)

Worries

-sigh-
Today is not going good.
Fang won't talk to me...
I flipped out at lunch because I thought he was cutting himself.
And he laughed...
He's nearly gone sudicial once and anorexic another time.
I just...don't find that funny...
Especially when it comes from him...
But when I told him this, he just laughed at me... How am I supposed to deal with that?
I just left.... I was hoping for a denial...or a sorry....or anything...
Instead I got "oh o.o"

My day just improves from there
We have no money.
We owe a gabillion dollars to a gabillion people
My Dad isnt working alot,
My Mom might loose her job
I have stuff I have to get for school.
This isnt going to work.
And. They aren't worried.
My world is litterally falling apart.
How much longer can we afford to pay for internet?
Or for heat?
How bout food?
I can't see a way out of this....
I can't tell Fang....
He doesnt tell me about any of his family problems.....why should I share mine....
*about to cry*
I'm supposed to be able to tell him everything!!! But he won't tell me ANYTHING!
I thought he trusted me... I'm supposed to be able to just break down and just....lean on him....
but he's so distant now i'll just fall and hurt myself...
Thank God we're still best friends M....
I don't know what I'd do with out you right now :(

~River

Rant of Annoyedness

You know what I can't stand?

Is when Camp messes up, and your parents blame you for it.

That's so annoying...

You know what else is annoying?

Females who you really aren't friends with but you pretend to be anyways.

Screw that DX

They can give it out all the want, but can they take it?

No way.

I am also annoyed with people who you know have something bothering them,

They claim they trust you and would tell you everything.

But they dont tell you.

That.

Is.

So.

INFURIATING.

RAWR

~River

Three M's

I saw M's three things here: Click here Check her out, he's pretty awesome. Anyway, I wanted to answer those questions myself.
3 things people would be surprised to find out about me: I'm not that innocent (hahaha), I honestly hate how much time I spend on the computer, I love school
3 people I'd like to have dinner with: Viggo Mortenson, James Paterson, Fang ^^;
3 things I hate doing: forced chores, homework I dont get, tearing lettuce
3 things I love doing: drawing, roleplaying, doing stupid stuffs with my buddies =D
3 favorite movies: "Dragonheart", "LOTR", "Julie and Julia"
3 things I must have when I leave the house: waterbottle, phone, necklace
3 favorite books: Max, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Hunger Games (but this changes a lot)
3 favorite websites: DeviantART.com, facebook.com, Howlingmoonwolfpack.proboards.com
3 favorite foods: BBQ'd anything, pasta, apple anything
3 favorite drinks: Guava juice, apple juice, rootbeer

Update on Life

Well here we are on a new week again.

Man....Yesterday was crazy.

Obviously you recall my slight break down yesterday?

Turns out....he had a lot going on....I mean. ALOT.

He was just looking for an escape....We both know that was the wrong type of escape...but still.

I wish he had told me what was bothering him sooner....

I could've helped more!

I would've stopped all that!

I just didnt know...

I trust him with everything...I guess he just doesn't trust me yet?

:(

He says he didnt want to worry me.

This is never going to work if he can't get over that....

I admit I need to work on it a bit more too, but I wouldn't of hid something like this from him for days like that..

I am at al loss.

I mean...

Yes I am happy that he chose me for an escape.

But...

I don't think it was me that he was after...

You get what I'm saying?

-sigh-

Well...what can I do?

Not much.

Time to Hunt

~ River

Confession

I'm such an idiot...
What was I thinking....
I promised....
He promised....
I cant....Why did I let it get as far as it did?
I'm such an idiot....
We can't.....we promised....I should've just left...
I should've stopped it...
I just wanted to be outside.... and with him...
Why does it always end in that????
Not seeing him hurts so much......
But having this happen every time hurts even more...
We can't keep doing this....
How....how can we stop....
It was only 10 minutes....
and that was all it took...
I'm so stupid...
Do I need to just stop seeing him completely???
Limit it to hi, how are you? okay bye?
Since it seems to go to far whenever it's more than that...
What's the point of even dating then?
Do I need to break up with him??? Is that what it's going to come down too?
I dont want it too...
I dont...
He wont come back if I do...
I dont...
I can't let this keep happening....I just keep breaking promises to myself...
This has to stop...
I know he cares about me.... I've seen it...I know he does...
It's just....everytime....everytime.....
He doesn't just want me..... He wouldn't....he wouldn't act like he cares otherwise....right?
If that was the case he would be alot more obvious right?
isn't it obvious enough already....?
I don't know what to do...
I feel so confused....I know what I should do.....But I don't want to do it....
I really don't want to do it.....
But what else can I do...?
Talking....promises......they mean nothing for this....

.....help....

Nervousness D=

I am going to explode.

It about to start thundering and lightning

And I have Driver Training

T________T

Maybe they'll cancel it =D

i doubt it T____T

PANIIIICCCCC

~River

Dont Think Twice, Before You Listen To Your Heart

So....I'm currently going out with this guy.....named Fang....

I've liked him since...well....basically ever since i've know him...so for a good.....two ish years....before I told him that I liked him....and things worked out and he liked me too :)

So we've been dating for....a year and a half now. We had a really rocky stage a while back, but I think that's finally over! Thank the stars. Anyways, we only have the rest of this year, and next year to be together, because after that we'll be full fledged warriors.

And he's planning on joining the Navy...

I dunno....I mean...I am happy for him, really! I think it's great that he wants to serve our country! My parents would love it too, if I told them. I guess part of me is still in denial that it's probably going to happen. No shame in saying it, I do love him.

I'm just being selfish...he'll be fine.... I just have to keep telling myself that. We still have a year and a half together... I just keep having these dreams. It's the last day of Camp, and we're talking about all these amazing plans for summer. And then as soon as I ask him " So it's a promise then? =D" He looks at me and then says "I have to go." and fades away. Just like that. He's gone. I never am able to get there fast enough to grab him, and he can't hear me yelling....he just looks off into the distance and dissolves.

If this was a one time thing, I could handle it. But it's not. I'm having this dream at least once a week. I guess I should just stop worrying about it... It is his life, I don't want to hold him back. I really don't. I'll just... miss him...

What happens if I meet someone else? Or he meets someone else? Fang's the first guy i've ever loved.... and as of right now, I cant even imagine feeling like this towards anyone else... So how could I be fair to that someone else? What if I wait the whole time, and he comes back with someone? Will I have just wasted 4-6 years of my life? What if he waits for me....but I don't wait for him....?

I wish I had answers to these questions... We have talked about it a little bit. I'm just afraid that if I really tell him how much I'm worrying about this, he'll back out... And I don't want to cause that.

I wish I could talk to him now... I dunno... We got carried away( not that far away -_-) a few days ago, and we kinda agreed to stop spending any time alone together and ever since... we've been really distant. It probably doesn't look like it on the outside. But I just don't feel the same.... connection...closeness as I did. It all seems fake to me right now... I've tried to get closer... but no luck... He doesn't want to talk to me...

Maybe i'll just wait...ride it out... I don't want things to stay like this though...

I hope he doesn't either...

Well this sure got a load of swirling thoughts off my mind. Which I really needed.

Stars Watch Over You

~ River

Points and Purposes

I should probably start to outline what I want to use this Blog for...

• I can't seem to write in my journal anymore
• I dunno...I guess part of me hopes that I'll actually have people who follow me and kinda care about what's going on.
• I want to try and see if I am capable of awesome thoughts.
• Part of me is just bored and wants something new to do
• People I know don't know that I'm doing this...so I don't have to censor anything
• Thinking about starting some short stories.
• Thinking about Thinking
• Ever since we got blogs at Camp i've been dying to get one for my own usage.
• Maybe i'll make some new friends
• Escape writing
• Curious as to whether or not I can keep this up
• Rant space
• Rave space
• Art gallery?

Heh...not a bad list no? Someday when I get people who follow me, i'm going to have even more of a reason to write! I can't wait :) Until then.... I shall follow this post with a rant.

Stars watch Over You

~River

Feb 25th

Hello again :)

Well Thursday's over, it went really well too!

I started off really depressed today, for no real reason...well

I guess there is a reason.... not going to talk about it now tho..

Other than that...not much happened today...

TTFN

~ Riverpaw

First Postling

Well here we are I guess...

I gots me a blog now :)

I'm hoping to mostly use this as a journal....since i cant seem to write any more....

Hopefully i'll be using this lots :)

I wont use real names tho....i dont want to get anyone in trouble...

Well goodnight for now :)

~ Riverpaw